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The Day I Died

On January 21, I had a lumpectomy on my left breast. While in surgery, I died on the table. I was dead for two and a half minutes.  Aside from dying, my surgery went great, and I’m recovering quite well. The doctor had to take out an area of tissue that was 2 inches wide, 2 inches deep and 5 inches long. Yikes.

I wish I could be super philosophical and say that “dying has put things in perspective” for me, but that would be a lie. It’s just something I experienced and will always remember. In a way, it’s really reinforced what I already knew, life can end in an instant. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to make amends with enemies and ex-lovers, live each day yada yada. It just means I appreciate my life a little more.

It’s been a little over a week since my surgery, and luckily my doctor only wants to see me twice a week now. Woot. I have to see my doctor so often because he has to change my dressing and wound vac. He basically stuffs a medical sponge in my breast, adds a suction tube to the top and that tube is connected to a vacuum like thing that I have to carry around 24/7 (literally).

Maybe one day I’ll post a picture of what my breast looks like all taped-sponged-suctioned-up. Maybe not. Either way, this surgery had better fix my problem, because this is really getting old. Oh, and this is gonna leave one wicked scar.

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Lumpectomy

On Friday I’m having a lumpectomy on my left breast. Needless to say, I’m terrified. I always feared that this would happen, and now it is. I’m having tissue removed from my breast, and I have no idea how much. My surgeon jokingly says that I “have enough to spare” which is true, but I’m still scared shitless.

It took me so long to feel comfortable and sexy with my size, and to be comfortable in my femininity, well, the little that I possess, so what the hell am I supposed to do when the doctor is taking away the MAIN part of my femininity?

Due to the extent of my surgery, I have to have follow-up appointments three times a week. Yeah, it’s that serious. Luckily, I have an amazing manager who is willing to work around that schedule, but still give me a decent amount of hours at work. I’m also lucky to have the support of my family and friends during this ridiculously scary time. I’m going to be hooked up to tubes and have some sponge-like thing in my breast for who knows how long.

Over the next two days i have so much stuff that I have to get done before my surgery. Today I’ve got a ton of paperwork to fill out for my surgery, and tomorrow I’m going to spend practically all day in the doctors office doing pre-op stuff, like getting an ultra-sound on my breast, having blood drawn and signing more consent forms and filling out more paperwork.

I’m really getting annoyed with my breast at this point, but this surgeon is doing something that neither of my previous surgeons did, so I’m desperately hoping that the third time is the charm. My left breast is already riddled with scars from my two previous surgeries.

Protected: Emotionally Exhausted

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Change

I’m sure you’ve all read about it on Twitter, and Scarlet’s blog. The three of us, myself, Onyx and Scarlet, called it quits when it came to the triad. Onyx and I haven’t spoken since that day. Scarlet and I have decided to put our relationship on hold. I don’t need to defend myself, because I don’t think I did anything wrong. I wrote raw emotions in my Moleskin, it was read by Onyx, who took it upon himself to snoop rather than ask, and I was kicked out of our apartment. The raw emotions that I wrote were in no way reflective of my everyday feelings, just how I felt at the time.

Even though I don’t write on my site a lot, I’m going to be taking a hiatus for a while. Heh, nothing new, right? I’ve got way too much stuff to deal with aside from what happened to the triad and each relationship. I’m mourning the loss of two relationships, betrayal, broken trust, and trying to keep myself happy at the same time. Ellie was kind enough to give me a couple self-help books about mending a broken heart.

Hopefully I’ll get around to posting reviews, but I doubt I’ll be actually blogging here for quite a while.

60cc's

I’ve grown apathetic toward blogging lately. Not for any reason in particular, more that I don’t have that much to talk about and what I do have to talk about I don’t want being read. But here’s an update anyway – I had surgery about two weeks ago. The recurring issue with my breast came back and I had to be cut open, once again. Funny story though, as Onyx, Scarlet and myself were walking to the ER, poor Scarlet fell and sprained her ankle =( but all is well now.

As I’m sure that you’ve read on Scarlet’s blog, the three of us are not in the situation that we had originally planned/wanted. I’m working on my own issues as well as the three of us working on the triad issues. Scarlet and Onyx are both great people, and no matter how this situation turns out, I know that they will both have some part in my life no matter what.

In addition to figuring out how the triad will work, or at least where we can get somewhere where we’re all happy here, I’m reevaluating my sexual identity, orientation, gender role, et cetera, so on and so forth. I’m dealing with the twinge of sadness that the holidays are upon us, and this is my first time being away from home for Turkey Day and Christmas. Not to mention, I’m still healing from my surgery, and that in itself is going to continue for what the doctors think will be at least a few more weeks.

I’m worried about hurting my partners with what I write, which is also why I haven’t been writing in here as often as I would like. Even now, I find myself backspacing quite a bit so that I don’t overstep my bounds and “say” something that will later bite me in the ass. That can be saved more my Moleskin writing, where I have no one to judge what I say, or get hurt, upset, whathaveyou by the things I write.

I have a tattoo on each forearm. The left one says “to thine ownself be true” and the right says “seize fate by the throat”. Lately, I’ve been forgetting to do either. I need to be true to who I am, whoever that may be, and I need to take every chance I have, and be happy with the choices I make. I used to live in the moment, not so much anymore. I’m going to do my best to get back to that person that I was – happy, carefree, loving, and loved.

Bubbles (HNT)

I love to take baths, especially ones filled with bubbles. Last night I was in the tub and Scarlet decided to sit in the bathroom and visit with me while I did so. I turned onto my stomach, and she immediately started snapping pictures.

After I turned back over, we shared some laughs and she continues to take pictures of me with her iPhone.

Eternal Sunshine

Lately I’ve been writing in my Moleskin instead of writing here, online. There are certain things that I need to express that I would rather not have anyone read, including either of my partners. While it’s helped a lot, I feel that I’ve been excluding my site and reviews that need to be done.

Two weeks ago my left breast started acting up, the same way that caused me to have surgery on it a few days before moving here to Seattle. I really haven’t expressed on here why/what happened/what caused the initial surgery, and I doubt that I ever will. I saw my doctor several times, and even went to the emergency room during the past two weeks. My wonderful doctors prescribed a shit ton of medicine to me, and I’m happy to report that everything is clearing up nicely.

Also, a week ago, my mother was in town. She flew from South Carolina to see me and meet my partners. I really needed to see her, and damn it helped having her with me in the doctor’s office, grocery shopping, you name it. I stayed her hotel 3 out of 4 nights that she was here. I was a blubbering mess when she flew out last Sunday.

There’s not much else to say, so I won’t keep you any longer.

Bath Tub (HNT)

Just a nice time in the bathtub, ’cause I’m good like that.